I
adored it when ‘Men At Work’ sang I come
from the land down under… at the closing ceremony of the Sydney
Olympics. We got treated that night,
too, by an all-singing-all-dancing ensemble with Kylie Minogue performing Dancing Queen, and a fabulous set by
‘Midnight Oil’. Everyone in the stadium
was on their feet and you’d have to have been dead not to enjoy it.
I thinkAustralia
I think
 |
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(Sorry about the Steve Irwin and
Dannii Minogue digs… probably tall-poppy syndrome.)
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The set of questions and answers accompanying the map were (apparently) posted on real Australian Tourism Websites. They are reputed to be the actual responses by officials with a good sense of humour or low tolerance for the drastically ill-informed…
Q: Does it ever get windy in
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (from the
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Q: Which direction is North in
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do....
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (from the
A: Aust-ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (from the
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
If they did reply this way you couldn’t blame them, could you?
Near
the height of my fifteen minutes of fame from Neighbours (but after I’d stopped receiving direct income from
it) I remember being asked by a mob of hyperventilating fans in London
“Oh,
well, my helicopter is in for repairs” I replied, expecting to be teased in
return.
“Right”
they said nodding their heads knowingly… until one bemused admirer added “but
why didn’t you take a limo instead?”
I
wish. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
…I come from a land down under
Where women glow and men plunder
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder
You better run, you better take cover…
RECOMMENDATIONS
Classic Aussie talent: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McsWKczU6wc New Aussie talent: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuOdszVfNHE
